What if yesterday's post on Sierra Madre's City Council Reorganization had been written by The Onion instead of The Tattler? If you're not familiar with The Onion it is, in my humble opinion, just about the finest satirical publication in America right now. Click on the link above for an example of what I'm talking about.
So in the spirit of lofty goals, we are going to attempt just such an experiment. And trust me, no flying monkeys were harmed in the creation of this product.
SIERRA MADRE, CA - Mere moments from assuming the mayoralty and closing the door on the MacGillivray-Zimmerman-Watts era, mayor-elect Joe Mosca assured the city in a televised SMTV3 address Tuesday evening that "our long Sierra Madre nightmare of balanced budgets, completed audits, and controlled slow growth is finally over."
"My fellow Sierra Madreans," Mosca said, "at long last we have reached the end of the dark period that will become known as the MacGillivray/Zimmerman Regime, two long years characterized by unprecedented balanced budgets, on time audits, fiscal surpluses, and a respect for the wishes of the people of this town to keep it small and livable. The time has come to put all of that behind us."
Mosca swore to do "everything in my power" to undo the damage wrought by "their" two years in office, including making available any remaining undeveloped hillsides, accepting new debt in order to further expensive and untenable development planning schemes, and passing multi-million dollar "infrastructure" bonds that will put the town deep into hock for decades to come.
During the 40 minute speech, Mosca also promised to bring an end to the city's reckless addiction to independent governance, assuring assembled residents that Sierra Madre will be folded into the closest Washington and Sacramento financed Metropolitan Planning Organization apparatus "in a heartbeat."
"You better believe we're going to jump into bed with SCAG, and pronto. No longer will we endlessly bicker over rightfully mandated RHNA numbers or compliance with planning edicts handed down by Sacramento. From now on when Sacramento says jump, the only question we'll be asking is: 'How high, sir?' Those folks who think living in a city that doesn't knuckle under to the big boys is really special are in for some disappointment. You can bet your granny flats on that one."
On the economic side, Mosca vowed to bring business to a grinding halt by pushing for the immediate removal of all those "pseudo-quaint downtown knick-knack shops and family-style eateries," instead advocating for the immediate construction of block after block of mixed use development and condos similar to those that remain unsold and unoccupied in so many of our sister cities. "The Downtown Specific Plan lives!" crowed the triumphant mayor-elect. "And if you don't think we'll be selling off that parking lot at Howie's, well, I have a nice new parcel up on One Carter you might want to buy."
Consultancies throughout the SCAG Region responded positively to Mosca's message, noting with satisfaction that all those "damn General Plan and Canyon Zone Committee volunteers" were finally going to get the bum's rush they so richly deserve. "That city is running at least a $1 million dollar surplus," confided one consultant who wished to remain anonymous. "There aren't many around with that kind of free money anymore. We're gonna swoop in on that sweet little nest egg in about 3 seconds flat."
Residents have been equally blunt. "After 2 years of the fiscal policies under Mayors MacGillivray and Zimmerman, we had finally reached a point where, just a few weeks ago, one of them actually said that our city's budgetary needs could be funded with a UUT tax less than what we voted for," said stay-at-home father of three Bud Frankel. "That's not the kind of Sierra Madre I want my children to grow up in!"
Another resident put it this way. "I am so tired of Don Watts and all his talk about falling water tables. All I know is that he didn't show up for a single gathering of the Ladies Wine Tasting and Floral Society during his entire 4 years in office. I mean, what exactly were his priorities? They certainly didn't have anything to do with decorum!"
Mosca concluded his speech on a comforting note of healing and unity.
"We as a people must stand united, banding together to divide this town into two," Mosca said. "Much work lies ahead of us: the gap between the Downtown Investors Club and the local slow growth crowd may be wide, but we've much more widening left to do. We must spend our city's hard won budget surplus on state mandates and consultants that will enable policies that favor over-development and the exploitation of our limited remaining natural resources. And if any of my critics ever have the nerve to stand up during public comments and talk about things like water supplies or Measure V, well, we have newspapers that are more than willing to fix their wagons."
"Those days are over," Mosca said. "After a long dark night of fiscal solvency and slow growth, the sun is finally rising once again over Sierra Madre. We look forward to a bright new dawn of debt and unfettered development not seen since the glory days of Mayor John Buchanan."