Party girl Andrea Alarcon has taken a leave of absence from her cushy $130,000 a year Public Works job for the City of Los Angeles. She was appointed to the top committee position (President) on the Board of Public Works by Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa in 2009 (click here). The previous position she held, on the Board of Transportation Commissioners, was also an appointment made by Villaraigosa in 2006. The Los Angeles Board of Public Works is the only non-elected full-time policy making body (click here) and Andrea , “an avid activist in public works,” spends her days as Liaison Commissioner for the Bureau of Sanitation.
You go, girl.
Apparently Ms. Alarcon forgot that she had her 11 year old daughter in tow over at Los Angeles City Hall on the night of November 16th. Mama Sanitation Liaison was attending a ceremony sponsored by preservationist/ architectural group Project Restore (click here) just prior to allegedly taking off for some good times. She decided to return to her just mama duties when she was contacted, or located, or whatever you want to call it, at about 2 AM. The bars must have closed a little early that particular Friday night.
Earlier that evening those pesky police had taken the eleven year-old Alarcon child into protective custody when they found the younger Alarcon wandering around city hall at 11:45 PM unattended. Since that evening’s event honoring Villaraigosa - who also happens to serve on the Project Restore Board of Directors and had, technically, just given himself an award (click here) - had ended at 9:30 - more than two hours earlier - just where was Andrea? Well, not taking care of her child, apparently. According to the Daily News (click here):
At some point in the evening, Alarcón and guests from the party ended up at the DoubleTree Hotel, according to City Hall sources with direct knowledge of the event. Sources say the small group at the hotel included Lorraine Green, who works as an administrative assistant to Villaraigosa. The DoubleTree, formerly known as the Kyoto Grand Hotel and Gardens, on Los Angeles Street, is two blocks away from City Hall. According to sources, Green had rented a hotel room at the DoubleTree so she didn't have to drive home. It's unclear whether the group was celebrating at the bar at the DoubleTree or in Green's hotel room, or both places.
The one-hundred-thirty-thousand dollar question, “Where was party mom?” has resulted in a little work break for poor Andrea.
Man of Solid Character, Antonio Villaraigosa, said he sees no reason for Andrea Alarcon to resign from her appointed position.
Well, of course not. Villaraigosa himself saw no reason to resign when he hooked up with Mirthala Salinas (click here), the first of two newscasters he shacked up with (click here), nor did he think it was necessary to return to his pre-marital name (Antonio Villar) after cuckolding his wife Corina Raigosa (click here) because, after all, the name has a certain delicious aural quality. Say it aloud. It rolls off of the tongue. Why ditch the name it took so many years to build up, and especially one that sounds so delightful?
Yes, yes. Antonio Casanova Villaraigosa does seem to have a thing for newscasters, doesn’t he? Well, sure. Being interviewed certainly does something for the male ego; it is a no-holds barred self congratulatory bragging session. The good times with biographers and interviewers is certainly not unique to ole’ Antonio (click here) and I wonder what TV time is like at Casa de Villaraigosa. Apparently the Party Commander wasn’t at the Double Tree Hotel that night. Those good times are reserved for Administrative Assistants and Commissioners.
2. Tony Brandenburg, Los Angeles City Remote Controller (a proposal)
I won’t deny it’s my secret wish that I, an avid television junkie, could get in at the floor level for one of those super cool TV meetings that must be going down at the mayor’s city owned, and taxpayer funded mayoral spread at the Getty Party Estates. In fact, I think there could be a solid waste place for me in the Los Angeles Machina.
I suggest the city create - and I appoint myself to - the prestigious, newly designed, taxpayer funded position of Los Angeles City Remote Controller. You can count on me; I’m reliable, as loyal as a bulldog, as sly as a fox, as clean as a pig, and at home I am already Kingpin Remote Controller. Since Mr. Villaraigosa clearly seems to love appointing people who lose things, I personally believe it is a perfect fit because I lose stuff all the time. In fact, I can help our chick magnet Mr. Mayor lose the call back numbers when he gets in too deep with the ladies, and I can help him lose the numbers of all of his temporary neighbors in Hancock Park. See, when they figure out how much he loves the environmental and progressive social values, and how that is consistent with running a train line right under their posh homes, I expect the phone will be ringing off the hook. Bring it on, Purple Line, there is no one at this number!
So. No way should Andrea go. As self appointed Los Angeles City Remote Controller, I decree that Andrea certainly earned her appointed roles, both of them, ask Antonio. He doesn’t want to let her go because, no doubt, she does a smashing job as the Liaison Commissioner to Public Sanitation. Yes, Los Angeles City Hall needs Andrea Alarcon because she keeps the toilets flushing. Every council member, including her daddy the councilman, her pal the mayor, and her mommy the Police Commissioner, have to appreciate that. Heck, even I appreciate that. If someone plugs it up, Andrea is right there to demand accountability, and toilet restructuring, if need be. Heads could roll!
Two potty puns in a three word exclamatory sentence. I am clearly the product of Orwellian Newspeak. Every Remote Controller worth their salt has to be.
Well, that pooper problem will be solved as long as our Villaraigosa appointed heroine doesn’t get herself lost on an after party bender. Oooops, I mean allegedly. I would suggest she hire a couple of handlers, one for herself, and a second for the child she forgot about, and get on with the good times. That would be my recommendation as Tony Brandenburg, Los Angeles City Remote Controller.
3. Dude, where’s my house?
So, back to the specifics of our frau of loss, Ms. Andrea “Has anyone seen my daughter” Alarcon. Even our beloved appointee Andrea herself is the lost daughter of ...... quickly, quickly ....... City Councilman Richard Alarcon (click here) and ex-wife and current Los Angeles Police Commissioner Corina Alarcon. Nepotism? Nah....... Maybe Grandma Commissioner picked up wandering child and for got to let party girl know. An effective Remote Controller would plant that in the public image garden right away. It is quickly becoming apparent why I am perfect for this job.
Like a good dad, Richard Alarcon has quickly defended his daughter’s good name as a single mother- tell me that word wasn’t a plant, and not an effective one - and, uh, he also defended her on her job performance. What one has to do with the other is anyone’s guess, but it certainly seems to me that by the tenth year into the mommy gig, Andrea should have been able to remember to locate her single most important dependent, even if she had lost track of her that night in November at her big city job locale which she has only worked at for, uh, five or so years. Go figure.
See, an effective City Remote Controller simply explains, “Hey, drinking is part of most political mixers, either before, during, or after. As part of the social aspect of her job, she had to do it. The problem isn’t the drinking and forgetting about her kid, the problem is that Andrea is, to be perfectly frank, just too good at her job.” That is why she needs a handler or two.
See, Andrea Alarcon, party girl, had also, I assume, forgotten that her daughter was in the car one night back in December, 2011, when she was arrested for driving under the influence and child endangerment. Obviously she also had forgotten she had been drinking. Ooopsie daisy, I see a pattern (click here). As the newly self appointed Los Angeles City Remote Controller, I suggest that now is as good a time as any to check oneself into rehab, especially since our Sanitation Liaison has insurance. And as long as daddy and Uncle Antonio can keep on blowing smoke, no one will challenge Andrea’s qualifications for that nice chunk of change and medical insurance coverage. The city of Los Angeles wouldn’t leave an employee without a kick-ass medical plan, no-no-no (click here) and we can count on a substitute Liaison to sit belly up at the bar and to keep the toilets flushing.
As self appointed Los Angeles City Remote Controller, I also wish to challenge - no, to urge - the “tax us some more to fund transportation we don’t use or want” citizens of Los Angeles to extend that same “give until it hurts” love to fallen Disney star Lindsay Lohan. Poor Lindsay seems to forget a lot of stuff, too, even after those mean judges remind her. I eagerly anticipate the future Lindsay/Andrea breakout for a coke and twinkie. I also propose the new “12 Steps to Flushing” program for the recovery. It’s eco-friendly, and organic, too.
So. It certainly seems to me that a bit of memory loss has hit the entire Alarcon family pretty hard, except for maybe the wandering child who most likely didn’t realize she was lost in the first place. Alas, for the poor Alarcons, however, either dementia or a little bit too much of the old nipsey has seeped into the brain-freeze mix because, even poor step-grandma and grandpa Alarcon, seem to have forgotten where they actually live:
Councilman Alarcón and his wife, Flores Montes de Oca are currently awaiting trial on perjury and voter fraud charges for allegedly living outside the 7th Council District boundaries, and lying about it (click here).
No problem. Naturally, that messy redistricting stuff that has so confused Grandpa Alarcon has also affected other cities as well (click here), but the city council of Los Angeles had approved it despite threats of a lawsuit that was promised beforehand, and then was, of course, filed in August by residents in Koreatown (click here).
An effective Los Angeles City Remote Controller, such as myself, would just hire a couple of drivers, one for party girl Andrea, and one to help return the Alarcon elders to their correct address. I am very effective like that. She’ll never need to hire another taxi to take her at 2 AM to the police station again (click here) and you’ll never have to fret none about your daughter spilling juicy party details without a remote controller filtering it first - ever, ever again. I’m the guy, I swear, Casanova Tony V. All you have to do is put me in charge of the on/off button and the volume control.
Ah yes, one day we will look back on all of the good times that were brought on by redistricting. Maybe I’ll meet you at the (Pour Me a Double) Tree Hotel. Oh yeah, before I forget, November was Child Protection and Safety Month. I guess Andrea didn’t get the memo.
Bonus Coverage from the Star News - Pasadena Unified axes construction contracts, places administrator, consultant on leave in Measure TT billing probe (click here): More school construction bond money flushed down the tubes. What a surprise! Bart's right, we should vote for another bond issue. How about this coming March? The Mountain Views News says we're already voting then.