|….. ………. Alien spaceport, boutique shoeboxes, or angry REALTOR® revenge housing?……….. …..|
Those two strange looking structures on Camillo Road hit the real estate market yesterday for the first time, and the news is just about as bizarre as the appearance of those two, um, things. Apparently the listing agent is none other than Robert Ho of the very special real estate selling concern, Long Dragon. Or, as they are often referred to in the house peddling trade, "Little Snake."
As you perhaps may recall, Ho is the kinda cranky Taiwanese dude who assumed that he was going to make a big killing with his million dollar love pads upside the One Carter hillside. But we didn't let him, and for some very good reasons.
When the City of Sierra Madre told him that this would not be the case, the choleric Mr. Ho proceeded to rant and rave in an unhinged (though unintentionally hilarious) sort of way at several City Council meetings. Making for exotic and colorful evenings.
Once again One Carter had worked its voodoo magic on yet another developer. This truly is a place where certain ineffable forces will prevent anything from ever being built. For developers it has become the hillside of broken dreams.
Needless to say, we all found Mr. Ho to be rather a hoot, and laughed loud and long at his sputtering broken English, bug-eyed angry demeanor and wild arm waving while at the public comment podium. But do you know what? We might have hurt his feelings. And, by helping to enable those two houses on Camillo Road, he could now be taking it out on all of Sierra Madre.
In other words, the Danny Castro block of Camillo Road might very well be the first ever Sierra Madre location for revenge housing. An intentional thumb in the eye to everything those living here believe to be good and right about this community. How else can you explain it?
Here is how these two irregularly stacked rectangular piles are described in the alien tongue known as Real Estate-ese:
Featuring 2 energy-efficient contemporary homes in beautiful Sierra Madre in the foothills of the San Gabriel Mountains. Adjacent to the coveted Arcadia Highlands Neighborhood, these sustainable homes are on a quiet neighborhood street surrounded by mature oak trees and have an amazing view of Angeles National Forest.
Both double story homes feature an open floor plan with large atrium spaces to maximize the flow between both levels. Additionally, large sliding doors, which connect indoor and outdoor living spaces. Carefully placed windows allow air circulation, let in optimal natural light, and frame the outstanding views. Secluded backyards with native and drought tolerant landscape are maintainable, generous spaces for play and entertainment. Both homes are equipped with solar system, top of the line appliances, Scavolini Cabinet from Italy, security cameras, and delicate circuit for plug-in electric vehicle charging station.
The cost per architectural boxy bivouac? $1,650,000 for one, $1,750,000 for the other.
I have some observations to share with you.
1) They might have an amazing view of the Angeles National Forest, but some of the other homes on Camillo Road now have only an unappealing view of the backsides of a couple of Ho houses.
2) I have electric car charging stations in my house. They were installed by the late Ed Clare shortly before his passing. And I have never heard the term "delicate circuit" before. The whole thing, including the specially designed cables needed for my two 240 volt stations, cost around $1,900.
3) The reason being adjacent to the Arcadia Highlands area is so desirable is it's a neighborhood that, up until now anyway, had not succumbed to the cancer of mansionization. Apparently, and just like on Camillo Road itself, this will soon no longer be the case.
4) Tragically, there are people in this world stupid enough to swallow all of the above boutique blather about "sustainability" and pay $1,650,000 for these lulus. All sustainable means in this case is that they have solar panels and a place to plug in your godforsaken Prius. That hardly makes them worth the additional $750,000 you will have to pay for all the pretentious and quite common nonsense. They have houses like these down by the ocean in Venice. You can sit in your atrium and watch as the garbage floats by on the canal. Go move there.
5) The security cameras discussed here are the kind you can hot wire into your smartphone. International buyers from certain cultures use these to keep an eye on their young wives. In a town with as many handsome men as Sierra Madre, this would be considered a must.
6) "Secluded backyards with native and drought tolerant landscape are maintainable." That means you can plant cactus in your backyard. You can plant cactus in a maintainable trailer park, too.
7) I knew someone who had Scavolinis. The remedy for the constant itching was calamine lotion.
Remember going to see the "house of the future" at Disneyland when you were a kid? Well, the future is here, the houses are schlock and deeply marinated in pointless sustainability jargon. These 2 homes are described as having electric charging stations in each garage, don’t you think that makes them worth the price? At about a 1,000% mark up? Yes, these are the GREEN homes of the future, and you will pay out the nose to own your piece of it.
Today we find ourselves on the cutting edge of the tomorrow-morrowland of housing. And whoever would have thought that this magic moment might very well have been brought here by someone looking to pay us back for having the temerity to not allow him to build 6,000 square foot McMansions on one of our most visible and naturally treacherous hillsides?
And yes, some fools will probably buy them. Alien spaceport attitude and all. But it might take these new residents a little time to make friends with their new neighbors.
It seems that some of them are not quite into it.